


Like a Seder at Vincent Price's House

by Wonderlandleighleigh



Series: Don't get saucy with me, Bearnaise! [4]
Category: Chuck (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Crossover, F/M, Gen, Hydra, Oh Leigh what did you do now?, SHIELD party, the kitchen sink
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-08
Updated: 2015-03-08
Packaged: 2018-03-16 22:25:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3505001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wonderlandleighleigh/pseuds/Wonderlandleighleigh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Captain America and Agent Rizzo attempt to date while SHIELD, the CIA and NSA attempt to track down whoever activated those Hydra robots in "He Was My Boyfriend!" Timing was never Steve Rogers' strong suit anyways.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Like a Seder at Vincent Price's House

“I must say, she is beautiful, even if she had seriously questionable taste in men.”

“She was never my type,” Steve says as he watches Tony and Chuck dismantle the Eva Braun robot.

“I was talking about the craftsmanship put into the electronics of this thing,” Tony quirks an eyebrow. “You met Eva Braun?”

Steve nods. “She slapped me.”

“Kinky,” Tony remarks. “I always knew those Nazis were wild.”

“It wasn’t that kind of slap,” Steve says, obviously a little embarrassed.

“He knows,” Chuck says calmly. “He’s just bein’ Tony.”

“It’s what Tony’s do best,” Stark mutters, opening up the robotic chest of Eva Braun. “Things are a little singed but still recognizable. Good call on the power surge, Chuckie. I knew I liked you.”

Chuck grins a little, his ears going red. “Not much else we could do.” He leans in to get a better look at the robotic innards. “So here’s a good question: If these things existed for seventy years, why is it that it’s just resurfaced now? Who’s behind it?”

“That’s the problem,” Steve says, leaning against the wall. “It could be anybody.”

“Well, the CATS and the Widow will find out when they get tossed back in the field,” Tony says as he keeps working. “That’s their next mission.”

Steve feels his whole face droop at the realization that the CATS – That Zondra – Won’t be sticking around New York for very long.

Chuck gives him a sympathetic look. “Yeah, me too, buddy. I’m not really thrilled that Sarah’s leaving so soon. They usually give more leave time between missions than this.”

“What’s different?” Steve asks.

“You, probably,” Tony says, and Steve’s eyes widen.

“What?”

“You’re dating Rizzo.”

His face turns a little red. “Well- I mean…a few dates…it’s been a few dates…”

“You did kiss her,” Chuck points out. “That could be construed as dating…and you guys shared a hotel room in Lucerne that one night.” 

“You went to Lucerne without me?” Tony asks, putting a hand to his heart. “I’m crushed!”

Chuck gives Tony a slightly judgmental look before turning back to Steve. “The point is, they’re trying to keep you apart.” 

Steve shakes his head. “I don’t- I don’t understand.”

“You’re the Star Spangled Man, Rogers,” Tony says. “America’s golden boy come back to life in the modern day to bring patriotism and…pies or…something to the American people. Which means the government’s gonna try to keep you as new and wholesome and shiny as possible for as long as possible.”

Steve quirks an eyebrow. “Meaning what, exactly?”

“Meaning they’re gonna try and keep you a virgin,” Tony tells him.

Chuck rubs his face. “Tony, come on.”

“I’m not trying to be a jerk,” Tony says, raising his hands.

“You don’t actually have to try,” Steve comments, crossing his arms, and looking uncomfortable. “And how do you know I’m…I’m a…”

“Because you can’t even say the word virgin,” Tony shakes his head. “All I’m saying is that if America’s favorite beefcake goes around with a lady – any lady – The media’s gonna jump all over it.”

“Her.”

“What?” Tony says, looking to Chuck.

“They’re probably gonna jump all over the girl in question,” Chuck says as he keeps working on the robot on the table. “We’re a relatively brutal patriarchy. I’m pretty sure whatever girl Steve picks is gonna get called a whore. To start.”

Steve stares at both of them. “Why would they…?”

“Low hanging fruit,” Tony says. “I can see the headline: ’Mystery Minx Seduces Vulnerable Hero.’” 

“Nobody’s getting seduced!” Steve cries, completely bewildered.

“Nobody cares about the truth,” Tony tells him. “Least of all the people who actually pay for US Weekly.”

“So SHIELD and the CIA are shipping the CATS out early because of me and Zondra.”

“Probably,” Chuck nods.

“Does anyone else think that’s insane?” Steve asks, throwing his hands up in the air.

“We work for and in conjunction with the United States intelligence community,” Chuck points out. “We drink a tall glass of insanity for breakfast every single day.”

“How do I fix this?” Steve asks. “And…and when are the CATS getting shipped out?”

“Three days, probably. That's what Sarah thinks,” Chuck says, pouting just a little.

“Man, Walker wasn’t kidding when she told me you were the woman in the relationship,” Tony laughs a little.

“You don’t have to deal with this!” Chuck cries petulantly. “Your girlfriend is a civilian.”

“A beautiful civilian,” Tony tells them, waving a wrench. “A perfect civilian.”

Steve shakes his head and grins a little. “Hard to argue with the beautiful part at least.”

“Get your own, Rogers,” Tony snaps playfully.

“I’m trying!” Steve cries. “But apparently the government doesn’t want me to date!”

Tony sighs and turns to Chuck. “What do you think, Bartowski, you think we can get Rogers laid in three days?”

Chuck frowns and looks up him. “I’m not so good at getting people laid,” he admits. “Getting people to fall in love with each other? I’m not so bad at that.”

Tony wrinkles his nose. “Ugh. Maybe Thor can help. Or Barton.”

Steve rubs his face. “Don’t help me. Please don’t help me.”

“Too late, already helping,” Tony tells him. “This’ll be great. You’ll see.”

Captain America groans.

*****

“We just got back,” Carina pouts, as she reads over their orders in the room she shares with Zondra.

“We did spend that one night in Lucerne,” Sarah says. “On the company dime.”

“Captain America suggested it!” Carina argues. “And Phil signed off on it!”

“I don’t think that’s why they’re shipping us all out again,” Natasha mutters.

“Oh, no, I’m pretty sure that honor goes to me,” Zondra says, flopping down on her bed. “You lock lips with Captain America and they try to shove you out of the country before the tabloids start reporting he’s dating a Mexican hooker.”

“You’re Italian,” Natasha points out.

“You know that, and I know that,” Zondra says. “But I’m pretty sure the rags would think I’m Mexican.”

“And apparently a hooker,” Carina adds. “You’d make a terrible hooker.”

“Yes, as where you’d make an amazing one,” Zondra teases.

“Damn right I would,” Carina smirks and sits next to her, her head held high.

Sarah shakes her head. “It’s crazy that they’re shipping us off to make sure Captain America stays a virgin.”

The room comes to a standstill.

“Wait,” Zondra says, holding up a hand. “Wait. Rogers is a virgin?”

“He was fighting for the free world,” Sarah points out with a laugh. “When did he ever have time for sex?”

“There’s always time for sex,” Carina says. “It’s like jell-o.”

Natasha frowns. “Gross.”

“There were plenty of years before the war,” Zondra says. “He was twenty-six when he died. I lost mine when I was sixteen.”

“Have you seen photos of him from before the serum?” Natasha asks. “Ladies weren’t exactly lining up around the corner.”

“Oh, come on, I have seen the photos,” Zondra argues. “Even without the serum, even if he was small, he was still handsome.”

“Squirrelly,” Carina comments. “Like a starving squirrel.”

“It was the thirties and forties,” Sarah says. “It’s not like it is today. Lots of people waited to get married before having sex.”

Carina shuddered.

Zondra shook her head. “Okay. So. He’s…a virgin. He’s a virgin. God, that’s weird. Look at him! You’d think somebody woulda taken care of that for him.”

“He was waiting for Peggy Carter,” Natasha says, and the room falls silent again.

“She’s not doing so well, is she?” Carina asks quietly.

Natasha nods. “Steve’s gone to see her a lot.”

“That’s good,” Zondra says. “Man, what a tough broad she was, you know? She was so great.”

“Remember that one time Hill mouthed off in a joint briefing and she swept her leg with her cane?” Sarah grins. “I remember thinking ‘I wanna be her when I grow up.’”

“That was a long time ago,” Zondra says. “We were all fresh out of the Farm then.”

“I’ve never met her,” Natasha says, leaning against the dresser. “Only heard stories.”

“That’s because you were too busy running from Amy,” Carina teases.

“I was not running from Amy,” Natasha snaps. “I was trying to kill Amy. And she was a traitor to you three anyways.”

“You keep telling yourself that, Tasha,” Sarah smirks. “We all know that itty bitty blonde had you scared shitless.”

“You wanna go, Walker?” Natasha asks, quirking a calm eyebrow. “Cause you know who I’m not afraid of? The Giant Blonde Shemale of Thailand.”

“You should be,” Sarah smirks. “As you know, I can be very scary.”

“Either kill each other or make out,” Carina snaps. “If you’re not going to do either of those things, then knock it off.”

Both women grin at each other, and Sarah shakes her head.

“I’m gonna go find Chuck.”

“Have fun with your nerd,” Carina calls as Sarah heads for the door.

Natasha grins wryly and heads for the door as well.

“Where you headed, Tasha?” Zondra asks.

“Away,” she says. “See you later.”

Zondra rolls her eyes and flops back on her bed.

“Good, they’re gone, it’s girl time,” Carina grins. “Now you can tell me all about sharing a hotel room with Captain America.”

Zondra groans.

Carina says, “Come on, spill! I’ve been very well behaved. I didn’t ask if you fooled around at all.” She scoots closer to her friend and pouts. “Please?”

Zondra shakes her head. “Nothing happened. He slept on the floor, and insisted I take the bed, and we took turns in the shower, and we talked a lot. And that was it.”

The look on Carina’s face is thoroughly unimpressed.

“What?”

“That’s it?” Carina asks. “You didn’t even make out?”

Zondra goes quiet for a moment before blowing out a breath. “There might have been a little making out.” 

“Did you get handsy? You’ve always been handsy.”

Zondra shoves Carina off the bed and she lands with a yelp.

"See? Handsy!" 

*****

He catches up with Phil in the halls a little later. 

"Why are the CATs being sent back out so soon?" 

"There's work to be done, Captain," Coulson replies as they keep walking. "We've got a lead on people who might know why those Hydra-bots were activated." 

Steve frowns deeply. "Why aren't I being sent in?" 

"Because it's an undercover op," Coulson says. "And General Beckman has graciously agreed to lend me three of her top undercover agents to work with Widow to get the job done." 

"Undercover where?" Steve asks. "I get the feeling there's a lot you're not telling me, Phil." 

He stops and sighs. "Steve. I'm not sure it's in your best interest to know." 

Steve crosses his arms over his chest. "Are you saying that as my friend, or as the new director of SHIELD?" 

"Both," Phil replies. 

Steve raises a disbelieving eyebrow and stays quiet. 

"But...mostly as SHIELD's director." Phil deflates slightly and starts walking again. "Come with me." 

They walk down a hallway silently, and into one of the larger conference rooms in Stark Tower, where a large group of people are waiting, chattering to each other casually. 

Sarah, Chuck, Zondra, and Carina are all sitting together, while Colonel Rhodes chats on the other side of the conference table with a tall blonde about his age. Sam Wilson stands with Natasha Romanov and Sharon Carter at the back of the room. On the television screen at the front of the room, General Diane Beckman is sitting at her desk, looking less than pleased. 

"Director Coulson. What is Captain Rogers doing here?" 

"He was going to find out about this the hard way if we didn't tell him," Coulson says, walking over to stand next to the screen. "And I don't feel like getting punched by Captain America." 

Steve frowns and shifts over to stand with Sam, Natasha and Sharon. "You guys know what's going on?" 

"That's what we're here to find out," Sam says. He smirks. "I heard you got a little play in Lucerne."

Steve feels his face go red. "There was no play. There was...it's..." 

"God, Rogers, you are just too precious for words," Natasha teases. "Relax." 

Steve blows out a breath. "Nothing happened in Lucerne." He pauses. "I mean...not...not much happened in Lucerne..." 

Sharon snickers behind her hand. 

"Are you four in the back finished gossiping like teenagers?" Beckman asks, quirking an eyebrow at them. 

All four of them stand a little straighter. 

"Yes, General," Sharon says. "Sorry, Ma'am." 

She huffs out a breath and shakes her head. "We believe we've got a lead on who might be responsible for the Hydra robots the CATs, Agent Bartowski, Director Coulson and Captain Rogers encountered." 

Coulson nods and clicks a button on the remote he’s holding, causing the television screen to split, shifting Beckman’s image to one side, while a map appears on the other side.

Rhodey frowns deeply. “That’s Latveria.”

“Yes, it is,” Coulson says.

“The country that declared war on both the Axis and the Allies, and somehow managed to hold the Nazis back?” Steve asks, bewildered.

“That’s the one,” the blonde next to Rhodey says. “Their dictator is Victor Von Doom. Who literally rules the place with an iron fist. Also, he’s nuts.”

Steve nods, but looks a little puzzled, and Sharon clears her throat.

“Captain, this is Colonel Carol Danvers.”

“Nice to meet you, Rogers,” Danvers says.

Steve nods. “Ma’am.”

“Typical army,” Carol stage whispers to Rhodey, jokingly.

“Leave him be, Danvers,” he grins back, nudging her a little.

“Danvers is air force,” Natasha mutters to Steve.

“Which means she likes to pick on Army guys,” Steve grins. “Especially since she outranks me.”

“Shouldn’t you be a general by now or something?” Sam asks. “You’re older than everybody in the room.”

“Frozen for seventy years,” Steve replies.

Coulson clears his throat.

“Captain Rogers, if you persist in being a disruption, you will be asked to leave,” Beckman says.

“Wow, it’s kind of refreshing to not be the one in trouble,” Chuck comments, and it earns him a look from the screen.

“Ruined it,” Chuck mutters to himself.

“As I was saying,” Beckman snaps. “Latveria.”

“There’s a psychiatric hospital in Doomwood-“

“I’m- I’m sorry,” Steve speaks up. “I’m sorry, I have to ask. Doomwood? There was no Doomwood when we were there in ’44.”

“Neither was Doom,” Carina says.

“He really named an entire city after his penis?” A voice asks from the door, and the group turns to find Tony standing there.

Beckman groans.

“I mean, not even I would do that. A park, maybe,” Tony goes on. “Not a whole city.”

Coulson pinches the bridge of his nose. “Stark-“

“My conference room,” Tony says. “It’s my conference room, I get to know what happens in it.”

“We’re having a meeting,” Rhodey says. “Come over here and sit by me, or go away.”

“This is turning into detention,” Sarah mutters, and Zondra laughs a little.

Steve shakes his head as he watches Tony make his way over and squeeze between Rhodey and Danvers.

“Hi, Carol.”

“Suck on it, Tony.”

“Aww, you love me.”

“IF WE ARE ALL QUITE FINISHED!” Beckman yells, and the room goes silent.

“There’s a psychiatric hospital in Doomwood,” Coulson says quickly. “We believe that two Hydra agents are being treated there. We need Nat and the CATs to go in, retrieve them, and bring them back here, alive.”

Zondra frowns. “What if they’re drooling brain-dead messes?”

“Bring them back anyways,” Beckman says, regaining her composure. “We may still be able to gain information from them. There’s a good chance that they’re using the hospital to hide out, especially after Pierce went down.”

“How are we going to get into Latveria?” Carina asks. “They’re always on the lookout for people trying to cross into their boarders. If we get caught, we’re pretty much dead.” 

“We’re sending Agent 13 ahead,” Beckman says. “She’ll be your point of contact when you land. You’ll get your paperwork and ID’s from her, and she’ll be your ride in and out of the hospital. Chuck has already hacked into the computer system and video feeds, so he’ll be monitoring from here.”

“What if this goes south?” Sarah asks.

“That’s where Wilson, Rhodey and Danvers come in,” Coulson says. “They, along with Agent May, will be your backup if things go sour.”

“I’d like to be included in the back-up team,” Steve says, raising a hand.

“Not this time, Captain,” Coulson tells him. “I have something else for you.”

“What about me?” Tony asks. “Do I get a cookie, too?”

Beckman quirks an eyebrow. “Mr. Stark, you are neither SHIELD, nor NSA, nor CIA.”

“You’ll be with Steve,” Coulson says. “I think we could use a little good cop, bad cop on this one.”

“Wait, who’s the bad cop?” Sam asks.

“CATs, Agent Romanov, you leave late Friday,” Beckman says, obviously still irritated. The screen goes blank, then, leaving Coulson at the front of the room.

“Well. That went about as poorly as it could have,” he says, turning to everyone. “Must all of you act like children?”

Tony raises his hand. “Oh! I know the answer to this one!”

Coulson sighs heavily. “Meeting adjourned. Captain Rogers, Mr. Stark, come see me in my office. CATs, Agent Romanov, there’ll be a briefing this evening at five.”

Steve catches Zondra’s eye as the room disperses, and makes his way over to her. “Hi.”

She smiles at him as she lifts her jacket, sliding it on. “Hey, Rogers.”

“So…so you have a briefing at five.”

“And you have a thing with Coulson and Tony,” she says.

“Late dinner?” he asks hopefully.

Zondra smiles a little and then nods. “Yeah. Late dinner sounds good. Meet you in the lobby at eight?”

“Eight,” Steve agree. “Eight’s great.” He cringes. “That rhymed a little.”

She huffs out a laugh and kisses his cheek. “See you at eight.”

“Yeah. Eight.” He watches her leave through one of the doors, and then heads for the other, only to find Sam, Natasha, and Sharon waiting there for him.

“You were so right, Nat,” Sharon says. “He is completely precious.”

Steve rolls his eyes and walks past them.

“C’mon, we’re friends,” Sam says, as they follow him down the hall. “You can give me details!”

“I don’t want to give you details,” Steve says. “I want to keep my personal life private, and not have the three of you tease me all the time. Also, I want Tony to not help me in the romance department.”

Natasha wrinkles her nose. “Jesus. The man gets into a stable relationship and now he thinks he’s the love doctor?”

Steve takes a deep breath and lets it out before turning to them. "Let's focus. Hydra. Doomwood. The psychiatric hospital. What do we know?”

"That you're not going," Natasha tells him. "Beckman and Coulson said you're not. So you're not going." 

"But-" 

Sharon sighs. "Steve, we all know you care a lot about Zondra, but she's gonna be pissed if you hang your orders and follow us into Latveria. Besides, if Coulson thought you were right for the job, he would have fought Beckman over it." 

"It just doesn't sound like a safe mission," Steve says. 

"None of them ever do," Sam points out. "It's the risk we take, remember?" 

Steve looks down, knowing they're right, but not liking it one bit.

"Besides, you've still got three days to spend with her," Sharon points out. "That's good, right?" 

Steve shuffles his feet and looks down.

"Uh-oh," Sam says. "What?" 

"Tony and Chuck...Tony and Chuck think they're shipping the CATs out early because of Zondra and I..."

Sam blinks and looks at Natasha and Sharon before turning back to Steve. "Rogers. Do you really think SHIELD or the NSA or the CIA give a good god-damn who you date if you're getting your work done?" 

He huffs and throws up his hands. "That's what I thought, but then they started talking about...brutal patriarchies and US Weekly and...seduction! And that I have this...this golden boy image that the government wants to protect and that includes my- My..." 

All three of them stand frozen, waiting for him to finish. 

"I don't even know what US Weekly is," he admits, deflating without finishing his last sentence. 

"That's because it didn't start getting published until the seventies," Sharon says. “And you don’t read trashy magazines. Rogers, when was the last time you had a real girlfriend?" she asks. "And please don't say it was Aunt Peggy, because as special as you two were to each other, that wasn't an actual relationship." 

"No, I know...I..." Steve blows out a breath. "I never really had a...I mean Bucky would set me up on dates but they would never pan out because I was so sick and scrawny and then Erskine happened and the serum and Peggy and there was...there really wasn't anybody else." 

"You're ninety-five and you've never been in a relationship before," Sam says. "Damn." 

"I don't wanna talk about- how did this even get started? I wanted to know more about Doomwood, and you three are turning this into a romance novel." 

"Here's what's gonna happen," Natasha says. "You're gonna go to your meeting with Tony and Phil, and then you're gonna go to dinner with Zondra, have a good time, and unclench, and we will keep you in the loop about Latveria." 

Steve sets his jaw. 

"That's an order, Soldier," Natasha says, pointing.


End file.
